Just when it appeared Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen had heard the cries of the chicken sandwich-less bellies of overseas troops, service members cast to far corners of the world were dealt another crushing blow to their esprit de corps.
The fastfood chain was readying a re-launch of its wildly popular crispy chicken delicacy when the Army and Air Force Exchange Service announced the sandwich so good it once led to gun violence would at long last be made available at the 34 Popeyes locations on overseas installations.
Morale soared instantaneously, reports of blossoming unit cohesion spread like wildfire, and much like post-World War II, the number of expected pregnancies skyrocketed.
And then with a mighty shout — in the form of a Facebook post Tuesday — the walls of Jericho came tumbling down.
“Y’all … the sandwich is back Sunday, November 3rd,” the official Exchange Facebook post announced in a correction to the initial statement.
The words cut deep, penetrating the cavernous void that should be occupied by fried chicken, pickles, and a buttermilk brioche bun.
Exchange spokesperson Julie Mitchell confirmed the erroneous nature of the first report with Stars and Stripes. Despite the sandwich’s domestic restrictions, Mitchell said the Exchange is still working to bring the cuisine the New Yorker called an “exquisite slab of chicken breast, hefty and juicy and snow-white, in its crenellated armor of that uncommonly crisp fried batter” to bases worldwide.
“As soon as we know when we can launch it globally, we’ll tell the world,” Mitchell told Stripes.
The chain, which set the world ablaze Aug. 12 with the release of its new sandwich, was forced to surrender production of the $3.99 dish just two weeks after its debut enraptured millions.
Sandwiches were flying out of the frier at a rate — about 1,000 sandwiches a day per store — that significantly outpaced the speed in which processing centers could decapitate chickens, exasperating overzealous customers everywhere.
Craig Barr of Tennessee even became so incensed at the nonexistent sandwiches housed in his belly that he filed a lawsuit against Popeyes, accusing them of deceptive business practices and false advertising after driving to several locations, only to be turned away each time.
“We, along with our suppliers, are working tirelessly to bring the new sandwich back to guests as soon as possible,” a Popeyes spokesperson told Stars and Stripes.
“Popeyes is currently focused on the launch of its new Chicken Sandwich in the U.S. I’ll be sure to keep you posted once I have more information to share.”
Popeyes, why have you forsaken our proud men and women overseas?
The sandwich, at least in the U.S., will rise again in three days. Let us keep the faith for the woebegone stomachs of personnel less fortunate.
Yea, though we walk through a chicken sandwich-less valley of the shadow of hunger, we shall fear no starvation, for Popeyes art with us. Thy crust and thy bun, they comfort us. You prepare a table of chicken sandwiches for us in the presence of our hungry subordinates. You anoint our mouths with pickles. Our sodas runneth over. Surely goodness and food comas shall follow us all the days of our lives, and we will dwell in the house of Popeyes forever.